Forgiveness and the Call to Restore and Renew Relationships

The following thoughts have been gleaned from Tom White's excellent book "City Wide Prayer Movements"

Most of us live in the real world, with real feelings and real problems with other people in our faith community. Because the quality of our interpersonal relationships matters to God, it should matter far more to us. Working hard and well at resolving strained relationships is the central qualifier for receiving God's blessing in a city context. We can ramp up all the kinds of plans and projects, but if we are not dwelling together in unity (Psalm 133), we'll miss the blessing from above.
The heap of unresolved hurts and offences in the church must grieve God deeply. Doesn't this at least partially explain why many churches and cities do not see Jesus "disclosing" Himself in greater measure? The challenge to work at healthy relationships is always relevant to our nuclear families and our church or mission organisations.
How do we get to this place of authority and victory, moving from being the Church mediocre to the Church victorious? By committing ourselves to love each other. The strength of a church is rooted in the health and maturity of its relationships.
We are responsible to close a door on the devil's attempts to gain footholds in our relationships. The entry point Paul exposes in Ephesians 4:27 is anger that remains unresolved. It could just as well be resentment, jealousy, bitterness, or judgement of a fellow believer. If we give our enemy a crack, and refuse to repent of it, his demons work it into a chasm. Friends, as small or insignificant as these things may seem, if we ignore them, the devil gets a foothold, making a chasm out of a crack. Bad feelings fester and often pollute others, poisoning their feelings toward the one with whom we are at odds. As members of one Body, with one Head, we are duty bound to close cracks of animosity in our homes, church fellowships, or in our city environment.
When dealing with others who are emotionally healthy and mature, you can speak truth in a loving way, get response, and achieve a sense of closure that both sides understand. But the problem is there just aren't many emotionally whole people in our culture these days. Some people are scarred by life's experiences and lack the capacity to act and react in normal, healthy ways.
Raised in homes ravaged by abuse, alcohol, and divorce, they have cracks in their foundations: rejection, abuse, conditional acceptance, wounding words. These patterns make resolution of conflictive relationships difficult at best, sometimes nearly impossible. But with the Lord's healing love, and time, and a lot of prayer, miracles do happen.
We have to accept the fact that some people are so damaged by life experiences that their wounded souls lack the capacity to resolve conflict in a healthy manner. Damaged people carry with them emotional "trip wires" that set these self-protective patterns in motion. The less healthy person wrestles to understand why no-one seems to understand him or her, and the more healthy person suffers from the tension of wanting to resolve the conflict.
It goes without saying that we need to follow the Master's model. If you are at the altar and remember that a brother has something against you, take initiative, go to him, and seek reconciliation (see Matthew 5:23-24). If someone sins against you in word or deed, Jesus tells us to first go directly to the person, show him his fault, and try to work it through (Matt 18).
In too many situations we talk to someone else about the offending party, rather than going directly to him or her. Jesus also told us that if you are praying and you find something in your own heart against someone, you are obligated to forgive (Mark 11:25). This is unilateral forgiveness, regardless of whether the offending party is asking for it or not.
If we hold on to judgement and bitterness, not only our prayers will be blocked, but also the Father's willingness to forgive our own sins.
Unresolved relational conflict may be so oppressive that you just want to go immediately, meet with the person, and get it over with. We lose sleep over these things. But sometimes your own heart is not yet ready, and you need a season of preparation and softening. Or the other individual may not be ready to receive and hear you. Pray, seek wise counsel, wait and watch for the clear leading of the Spirit to pick up the phone or jump in the car.
Resolve to listen well first before you speak. Ask questions that give people freedom to share what is really on their hearts.
The tension and estrangement in a relationship may have been centred around a particular issue. It is altogether possible to honour the Lord by making peace in your relationship, even if you are still at odds over the issue. It shows maturity to be able to honourably disagree and still respect someone. Freedom to move on may only come when it is agreed that it is okay to differ.
Sometimes my heart, ready to forgive, meets a stonewall. If a brother or sister just doesn't see his or her fault, you still have the option of extending the grace of forgiveness anyway. The instruction of Romans 12 is very clear that a wrong response can and should be countered with a right response in the Spirit. We are not to judge. We are not to take revenge. We are to model Jesus' heart by forgiving, even blessing our offenders and abusers (see Romans 12:17-21).